As our tradition has it, we released balloons today in honor of Ben. If you believe he is in heaven, then the balloons were sent to him. If you believe he has moved on to his next life, then maybe he will see them and smile, not knowing why they are floating by feeling something warm none the less.
I'm not sure if it is the surgery or what, but this year I missed Ben a great deal more then usual. Honestly, not sure if is Ben but all the things Eli is missing out on not having him here. All the "what ifs." Eli is old enough he asks questions, and he still doesn't quite understand. He makes connections with "Eli not being alone in mommy's tummy." I think it really helped seeing Jesi pregnant with Hayden. However, when "Ben" is mention he first things of Chrissie's son and doesn't understand why in the world mommy would be upset about Ben. Who could blame him, that would be quite confusing!
We talk very openly about Ben. I share my pain and sadness, but not to the point that it is overwhelming or depressing. Just every so often I will shed a tear, Eli will ask why and I will tell him. I think he needs to know and it isn't something that makes sense to hide from him. He is a smart little person and one day he would surely come to be angry if he found out we kept this from him.
Florida passed a law in the last year... most people don't know but according to the state of Florida Benjamin Phillip Clarke was never born. He has a death certificate, but no birth certificate. I have struggled with that a great deal. I worked with a group of parents of still borns and legislation was passed about a year ago and now there is a "still born birth certificate." I'm hoping by the boys' next birthday we will have one for Ben.
Benjamin Phillip Clarke, you are loved.....
and missed.
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